http://www.steelewentcrazy.org/steele/appeal/proexcer.pdf page 113 ------- June 23, 2010 My Dearest Tanya, You must be worried. Or, do you think I have forgotten you? No-I know you well enough now to know that you are worried about me. I feel your worry in my heart, where you ALWAYS are with me now. I am in very big trouble here, my love. I cannot get to a computer to email you. I cannot make phone calls. I asked my son to find your address on my desk at home and to mail it to me. While I wait for that, I will write you this letter and hope that it gets to ou soon. Two weeks ago, I was arrested on a PHONY charge and I now sit in jail, awaiting my "trial," now set for the end of August. This will be the trial of my life. I hope to win it, of course. Never before have I ever been in jail, or even arrested. This has been a huge shock to me, but not really a surprise. They have been after me for a long time because of my outspoken criticism of U.S. Government and Power Brokers, both in my writings and in my public speeches. This is a side of me that I am sure you have yet to discover, my love.I was to tell you all about it, when we met (meet?) in Kiev this year, AND I STILL WILL! If you have received your Eddie Bear, you also have seen my book. Somebody who reads English well enough will be able to tell you, just from glancing through it, that I am very politically incorrect. Being politically incorrect is one of the worst crimes in America today. Do you see now, sweetheart, why I often sound anti-American and want to live elsewhere for at least most of each year (perhaps Ukraine!), as you and I already have discussed? The charge against me is FALSE, Tanya. Here is what happened: A man who worked for me stole silver bullion that I had hidden on my property (about Us $45,000). He tried to kill me before I discovered the theft, but failed. Then he went to the ADL, an American Jewish organization that has hated me for many years because of cases I have tried as a lawyer and because of my writings and speeches. The ADL manufactured audio tapes, using recordings this man secretly had made of me talking and also using some of many thousands of hours of audio of mine available over the internet. The phony tapes make it sound like I tried to hire the man to kill my ex-wife. Please believe in me, Tanya. I never would do anything like what I now face trial for. NEVER. I think you know me well enough already to know I could not do this. DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!!!. I WILL beat this phony charge and I will come to you there in Ukraine-just not in August, as we planned. If I win this trial, I probably can get over there by October, though. Please wait for me darling. ------- June 24 Hi sweetheart- I will add to this every day until I have your address so that I can mail it. Please send me some photos of yourself, my love. The only picture I have with me now are the ones I carry in my memory (though I do look through those many, many times each day). And write SOMETHING to me immediately, too, Tanya. Keep it all in English, because they open all my mail (both directions). Anything other than English gets held while they find a Russian translator. Remember-this is only for a little while. ------- June 25 Hello again, my lovely Tanya- Today has been just another in a series of gray, discouraging days...except when I think of you! Life for me right now is like an old movie done in black and white, except when one character comes into view. That character is YOU, sweet Tanya. Whenever I think of you, color comes back to the things around me and I can almost smile again. More than ever, my love, the thought of you keeps me going. I miss you so much, Tanya. I think about you all the time now. I seem to dream about you every night. I find myself daydreaming about you being near and reaching out to touch me...to hold me..to kiss me. I swear I can smell you at times! Is it just the result of being in this miserable jail cell for 2 weeks now, or is it really becoming clear to me that you are "the one" for me? All others have dropped from my thought now, leaving only you, Tanya-MY SECOND HALF? ------- June 26 Darling, Every day here, at about 4 pm, I find myself thinking of you lying there in your bed at 2 am, Ukraine time. Surely you are asleep then. I like to tell myself that you are dreaming of me just then and tapping into that special connection we have. When I go to be here at 11 pm, I think of you climbing in beside me and what it would be like to hold you and see you smile up close...and kiss me, of course. Do you ever feel my kiss at 9 am over there, my love? ------- June 27 My lovely Tanya, You never asked me about my financial condition, which I appreciate, my love. For now, just be assured that , if we settle down together, you never in your life will want for ANYTHING. This trial & investigation I must run from a jail cell will be very expensive (probably upwards of US $500,000), but it will not leave me nothing when it is over. Far from it, in fact. I sill will have enough that I need never work again. But, work I will-writing books. I have several already outlined and/or partially written. I picture you asleep right now (5 am Ukr. time) and imagine snuggling into you warmth and softly kissing you on your cheek (Did you feel it?) I can almost smell you, sweetheart. ------- June 28 Darling Tanya, It is 7 pm here-5 am Your time-and again I get a smell of clean sheets and what I think must be you. Is this coming to me over our special connection? Is this what you smell like? I wonder... Thinking of you so strongly-does this cause me to appear in your dreams, my love? Or am I thinking of you BECAUSE you are dreaming of me? Needless to say, I miss you something terrible. It has been nearly 3 weeks since we last saw each other via Skype. Had I known this would happen I never would have let you go that morning. We are trying everything we know in an attempt to get them to let me go free until my trial in August. It will be 2 weeks before our hearing in court. If I get released then, the very FIRST thing I will do will be to try to contact YOU! Do not give up on me, Tanya. No matter what happens, I may need you more right now than I ever again will need you. ------- June 29 Sweetheart, Already, this is the longest letter I ever have written. Probably the longest you have received too. After nothing from me for so long, then this...sigh. Well, ,there is nothing else for it. I need to feel you out there, close to me. This is the only way I know how to do it right now. I know you are reading these words SOMETIME-I just don't know when. In a way, I su,se, these letters are more for me than you. It is nice that Elizabeth Barett (sic) Browning poem I quoted you a month ago:" I love you, not for what you are, but for what you make of me." Thinking of you and knowing how you care for me makes these long, dreary days in a jail cell tolerable.I think about you SO MUCH, my darling Tanya-and those thought make me warm and bring a smile to my lips. I so wish my son would find your address for me, so that I could mail this to you and, hopefully, thereby speed your reply, the day a letter arrives from YOU, my sweet, will be a day I never will forget, so long as I live. You thought I was romantic and affectionate before? Just wait until I get you alone!!! This terrible period now in my life came just as my feelings for you were really getting going -just as it became clear to me that I no longer could consider anybody BUT you. Now-to be denied you altogether...well, my feelings will not be denied, though. They have continued to grow-even faster-in your absence from me. I need you so much now, Tanya. No longer do I worry about scaring you away because my feelings are ahead of your own. I will fix that when we finally meet. Am I finally in love with you Tanya? What do you think? Could it happen without our meeting yet? Tell me of YOUR feelings, my love. ------- June 30, 2010 What time do you go to bed, darling? It now is 1 pm here-11 pm your time-and once again you swelled up in my consciousness and I got a flash of your head on a pillow, looking to the side with your hand near to your face. That smell again-fresh sheets and ...you? I get this image, or one quite like it, almost every day between 11 pm and midnight, Ukraine time. I'm betting that is your normal bedtime. Do you ever think of me as you lie there, waiting for sleep to find you? When I beat this phony charge, it will take a couple of months to arrange my first trip to Ukraine (and you, Milaya (sic) mia!). I still plan on coming for about 6 weeks. Unless you come to Kiev and then refuse to leave my side for the next month, I inevitably will meet several other girls I have corresponded with, but YOU really are why I am coming now, my Tanya. I know that I am supposed to act as though I am genuinely interested in other girls, too. I know that I should play hard to get. I know that I should act as though I (underlined) am the prize here, not you. I don't want to play games with you. Always, I have told you the simple truth about how I feel about you and I promise ALWAYS to do just that. You will come to Kiev for a couple of days after I first arrive and then, all too soon, I will have to take you to the airport for your flight back to Lugansk. I know that I will then be even more lost without you than I am even now. I will come to Lugansk sooner than I planned and find reasons to hang around. Think seriously on coming with me on a tour of Crimea, sweetheart. I drive myself crazy thinking of these things and of you, Tanya. I so long to finally be at your side and hear that sparkling laugh & see your beautiful smile in person, my love. ------- July 1 Dearest Tanya, The happiest moments of my day-the only happy moments these days-are when I am sitting and talking to you, just like this. I know you will be reading my words and I like to imagine your smile forming as I talk to you. You feel especially close to me at these times, my love. I know that you think I don't know you well enough to have these feelings for you, but you would be surprised at how well I actually do know you. The contrast between you and others whom I know is remarkable. I love your reserve-how you carefully pick your way through life-how you protect yourself and your heart. Again, I have the feeling you have been hurt before. I also think it possible, still, that you are in an unsatisfactory relationship right now and are waiting to see if I prove myself before leaving it and committing yourself to me. As I told you, that is OK, my love. I am not going anywhere away from you emotionally. We WILL meet. We WILL fall in love. You will see. I love your easy manner and your so VERY considerate nature. I love how you are so careful to speak your thoughts just so. I love your manneryness (sic) and your delicate bearing. I love your smile and your laughter, which I still hear in my heart anytime that I want (and I seem to want to hear it all the time). I love how beautiful your are, Tanya. You hear that all the time from men, I know, but it is different with me. As I have gotten to know you, you stopped being simply cute and have become, I think, the single most beautiful woman I EVER have seen. How I feel about someone inside impacts how physically attractive she is to me. You know how much I care for your now, of course. I love the wisdom you have shown me-wisdom that goes well beyond your years and, perhaps more than anything else, makes me see you as a true equal and partner in life. Yet, there is so much I don't know about you, my love-mostly facts and details, because I already have learned the most important things. Tell me about your younger brother, Dennis, and the other members of your family-their names and what they do each day. My account with the agency likely will go inactive about the time that you receive this letter. Don't worry, sweetheart. Heaven knows that I'm not going anywhere, after all. When I beat this phony charge and get out, I will reactivate it so that we have access to the translators and so that we can talk again via Skype and plan our time together later this year. I keep asking you to tell me about your work, darling, but you keep brushing it off as boring and unimportant. Not to me! Please tell me. Tell me what you did before that, too, and about your university years. ------- July 2 I've been doodling with months and countries. I am determined to live outside America when this is all over. Listen, sweetheart, to what I have come up with, and tell me what you think: May-September (5 months): Ukraine Oct-December (3 months): USA 12/28-1/15 (1/2 month): Ukraine Jan 15-April (3 1/2 months): Panama (or?) So-we spend winter someplace warm and we BOTH get to spend Christmas with our families. Ukraine would be our home base, with our permanent family home there. We would rent or stay in hotels whenever outside Ukraine. I can write ANYWHERE, of course, and would plan on producing two books each year. (easy to do and will provide us a VERY comfortable income, too). You could, perhaps, go to school in Panama, if you like (or summer school in Ukraine). Or we could find you SOMETHING to do...work at something (language instruction?)..Take care of our babies...Make love to me (smiley face? sic)..whatever will make you happy. You get to be near friends & family for half of every year. I get the same for 3 months each year. We both get to be warm for the winter (which can be like a huge, extended vacation each year). Our kids learn both Russian and English as they grow up. It sounds great to me. What do you think, my love? ------- July 3 I wish my son would come back up from Moscow (Idaho, USA) so that he could retrieve your address for me from my study desk. I asked my investigator to email you at tatitanal @ recluse.ru, but am not sure that I remembered your email address correctly. He was to explain briefly and ask for your mailing address for me, sigh... Meanwhile, this letter grows ever larger. It is important to me that you know how much you have been on my mind. It is important you know that this long period of silence was imposed upon me by others. YOU are important to me, Tanya. More than anything or anyone else, I think. I remember your last words to me as we parted on that last Skype session we shared:"I hope your serious." Oh, yes, sweetheart-I am VERY serious about you. I am surprised that you could not see it then. I KNOW that you and I will get along wonderfully when finally we are together. I KNOW that we both will be pleasantly surprised when we meet at last. Even now, it is all I can do to keep from blurting out, "I love you!" By the time I arrive in Kiev, I am sure that I will have memorized the Russian for, "Will you marry me?" Is that serious enough, darling? ------- July 4 My investigator has not yet shown up with your address. Either you haven't answered his email or I misremembered your email address. I NEED YOUR ADDRESS in order to mail you this letter, sweetie. Today is the 4th of July, America's Independence Day. A joke, from where I sit. I know Ukraine has been independent for only a few years, but I honestly believe that future of freedom lies with Russia, especially, and all the breakaway republics in Eastern Europe. America is moving to total tyranny and oppression and my case is just one of so many who are being rounded up, falsely charged and locked up. I'm going to win and get out though-I know a good lawyer. And that lawyer has a birthday tomorrow. It was depressing enough to be separated from my children on Father's Day. Now this separation from them AND you is becoming really unbearable, sweetheart. I was allowed to call two of my kids for the first time late this past week. I still am being denied visitors. I still am being held virtually incommunicado and in solitary confinement. I'm so tired of this. I don't want to write about politics any more. I just want to settle down with a girl JUST LIKE YOU, my love, have another family and live out my life in her arms, writing about non-controversial things-novels, especially. I want to be ordinary and live an ordinary life from now on. This false charge has convinced me. Problem is, I stayed on just a little too long, SIGH. I haven't felt you close this weekend at all. I'm betting you are tied up with something and not thinking of me. SIGH. ------- July 5 My Darling-Tanya, I know that you have remembered me today, Perhaps even sending me another little email that has yet to be opened. Like all your others this past 3 weeks. How I WISH that I could see them! How I hunger for something-anything-from you now. (The government's copy machine is suddenly running low on toner and the letter becomes very difficult to transcribe and subject to error.) I'm trying hard not to be depressed though, may not being very successful. I miss my kids. I miss you, xxxxxxxxx together after this year! It is exactly 6 pm on July 5 here in Ukraine right now. I just had a sudden flood of you come to me over our special connection. Just wishful thinking? I wonder. Write and tell me what you did and, if possible, what you were thinking and feeling at exactly this time, Tania. Did you finally receive Eddie Bear and my book, Tanya? I feel your presence right this minute (sic?) so strongly. Imagination? I hope not. Once again I worry about whether I have allowed myself to xxxx of you xxxxxx, in light of you not keeping from xxxx, not to mention the fact that I xxxxxx. Don't worry. I am innocent and have plenty of xxxxxxx plenty of on my xxxx. I will walk free! You will see. ------- July 6 It is Tuesday evening. (July 6). Again I picture you xxxx asleep. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I keep going through your xxxxxx in my mind-all 6 of them. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, when xxxx me think about the you xx. You xxxxxxxx-in a xxx. If you want to attention nothin xxxxxxxxxof you. I sent a short letter to you the other xxxxxxxxxx I can't remember your address, so sent it to you at "xxxxx." and xxx that, finds its way to you. You xxx then answer me. xxxxxxx STREET address! We'll see... ------- July 8 Darling, This letter is in its third week and STILL I do not have your mailing address! I MISS you! July 12 Sorry to xxxxxxxxxx getting so discouraged about not being xxx to mail this xxx. Also ,.......... This is for the rest of our lives, don't forget. ------- July 14 You are so very special, to me, Tanya. I can't explain exactly where or how you came to be that way for me, but I know it is true. I can't remember the last time!I felt this way about a woman..maybe never. I spoke to my son at last by phone. He found the binder in which I keep your address and will be mailing it to me soon. As soon as I have it, I will mail this letter. ------- July 15 Hello, my love, My youngest daughter, Kelsey, sent me some Russian language course books, and I can continue to improve my (very poor) Russian while in jail awaiting trial. We WILL be able to talk one day, sweetheart. How is your (English) language course coming? You must be about finished with it. If I could, I would buy you another full session, but that will have to wait for me to get out of here. I have xxxx you xxxx. I hope that is just because I haven't been writing as much, but I know that your going so long without hearing from me has to have a bad effect. Hang in there, sweetie. I need you so much right now. More, perhaps, then I ever will again. Stand by me and you will not regret it. (toner seems to be normal again) At last! My investigator found your address for me so that I can mail this. Please write to me as soon as possible, sweet-at this address! Eddie C/O Tim Schwering Fed Defenders 10 North Post St., #700 Spokane, WA 99201 USA If this works, he will bring me your letter-UNOPENED, so that you can talk to me knowing that what you say will be seen by ONLY me. I can hardly wait! Don't forget to include those pictures. Love You! Eddie (smiley face)